Relationships. Character flaws, everyone has them. Relationships plus character flaws is a tough combination. But as far as I can tell it's the only format relationships come in.
So what's the big deal? I can put up with my own character flaws, why can't you? Well of course, our own character flaws are usually pretty easy to put up with, we're used to them. Heck they're almost invisible to us, it's who we are. By a certain age hopefully we become comfortable with who we are. "Comfortable in your own skin" I think it's called.
Why then is it so difficult to put up with the character flaws of others? Well, actually, usually we can put up with them, as long as we don't have to live with them day to day. Living with another's character flaws is an entirely different fettle of kitsch.
So how do we manage this? A few things come to mind. The most basic is the intellectual understanding that this is simply the nature of partner relationships. That one thing goes a long way toward allowing others the space they deserve to be the flawed human beans they are.
Another thing is to get one's own house in order. Work on your own inadequacies. As you become more solid in who you are it becomes so much easier to forgive others for their flaws. I don't know why this is exactly, perhaps as you develop self-compassion you find it easier to extend to others as well. It might be said "becoming well" boils down to development of self-compassion. Getting one's own house in order is a certainly worthy goal to strive for. It may even be paramount.
Begin to notice your efforts at "improving" your partner is almost always counter productive. Particularly when it takes the form of irritation combined with nagging, which carries with the the sub text of "holier than thou". Who needs that?
We all have to learn so much of this the hard way. Well, that's OK, that's how it sticks.
Wednesday, February 19, 2020
Monday, February 17, 2020
The Shocking Truth About Carbs & Diabetes
If you'd like to know the absolute best way to manage diabetes type 1 and 2, or prevent prediabetes from turning into type 2 diabetes, watch this video interview with the authors of a new book "Mastering Diabetes".
https://www.amazon.com/Mastering-Diabetes-Revolutionary-Permanently-Prediabetes-ebook/dp/B07TRJJHN2
This method is safer, faster, and dramatically more effective than either the current medical approach, or the keto diet approach.
And so why is this truth "shocking"? The scientific research on this approach goes back almost a century, and has been replicated in subsequent studies over and over and over. This is not news...it's just that nobody knows about it.
Figure that one out.
Here's the interview:
https://youtu.be/enIvfC985U8
https://www.amazon.com/Mastering-Diabetes-Revolutionary-Permanently-Prediabetes-ebook/dp/B07TRJJHN2
This method is safer, faster, and dramatically more effective than either the current medical approach, or the keto diet approach.
And so why is this truth "shocking"? The scientific research on this approach goes back almost a century, and has been replicated in subsequent studies over and over and over. This is not news...it's just that nobody knows about it.
Figure that one out.
Here's the interview:
https://youtu.be/enIvfC985U8
Thursday, February 13, 2020
Chronic Stress is not a good thing
I'm belaboring the obvious here. This post is motivated in part by the news that Bruce McEwen, the neuroscientist who "trailblazed a new way of thinking about stress", has died:
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/02/10/science/bruce-s-mcewen-dead.html
He is credited with leading us away from the view that all stress is bad. Stress is the property that allows for structure to occur...if all the sudden all points of stress were removed from a building, the building would collapse. But that's a mechanical property and we're talking about emotional stress. Is there a corollary? Yes of course there is, one example is as one increases their physical strength their regulation of mood increases as well.
But there are limits - too much stress is structure destructive, and too little means structure will not be balanced and sturdy. There's a delicate balance, and at that balance stress is at the optimal level. Since biology and psychology are dynamic functions, keeping stress at optimal levels requires continuous adjustment, which we do more or less unconsciously when we are functioning at more or less optimal levels in the key determinants diet, activity, and sleep. When we get off track we feel it, and make adjustments we know have the best chance of getting us back to the right balance.
The problem I address over and over in my blog is we are collectively so far from optimal balance we've lost the ability to even see and feel where that is. We live in a world that does not support the attainment of this "sweet spot". The active sources that are functioning to help us get back to that balance are few and far between, and can be expensive and time consuming. And without that level of (let's call it) intervention we are much less likely to get there from here. We can take in the "balance" perspective and attendant information on the intellectual level, and still...change can be difficult to the point of seeming impossibility.
But what is more important than our health? Without it we are quickly reduced to "half selves", or worse.
I'm reminded of a "Poor Richard" (Ben Franklin) axiom: "Pour your purse into you head" (advocating education). I would expand that to include your psychology and biophysiology.
Avail yourself of these resources if at all possible, it's more than worth the time, effort, and money.
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/02/10/science/bruce-s-mcewen-dead.html
He is credited with leading us away from the view that all stress is bad. Stress is the property that allows for structure to occur...if all the sudden all points of stress were removed from a building, the building would collapse. But that's a mechanical property and we're talking about emotional stress. Is there a corollary? Yes of course there is, one example is as one increases their physical strength their regulation of mood increases as well.
But there are limits - too much stress is structure destructive, and too little means structure will not be balanced and sturdy. There's a delicate balance, and at that balance stress is at the optimal level. Since biology and psychology are dynamic functions, keeping stress at optimal levels requires continuous adjustment, which we do more or less unconsciously when we are functioning at more or less optimal levels in the key determinants diet, activity, and sleep. When we get off track we feel it, and make adjustments we know have the best chance of getting us back to the right balance.
The problem I address over and over in my blog is we are collectively so far from optimal balance we've lost the ability to even see and feel where that is. We live in a world that does not support the attainment of this "sweet spot". The active sources that are functioning to help us get back to that balance are few and far between, and can be expensive and time consuming. And without that level of (let's call it) intervention we are much less likely to get there from here. We can take in the "balance" perspective and attendant information on the intellectual level, and still...change can be difficult to the point of seeming impossibility.
But what is more important than our health? Without it we are quickly reduced to "half selves", or worse.
I'm reminded of a "Poor Richard" (Ben Franklin) axiom: "Pour your purse into you head" (advocating education). I would expand that to include your psychology and biophysiology.
Avail yourself of these resources if at all possible, it's more than worth the time, effort, and money.
Friday, February 7, 2020
What is Narcissism?
The word itself originates in a Greek myth about a hunter known for his beauty who “distained those who loved him, causing some to take their own life to prove their devotion to his striking beauty. Narcissus is the origin of the term narcissism, a fixation with oneself and one's physical appearance or public perception.” wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissus_(mythology)
It is also said we are all narcissistic in that one must have some degree of focus on the self in order to survive. Self preservation is essentially a manifestation of the biological drive instincts that enable all creatures to survive and procreate. There are degrees of self preservation, and there are degrees of narcissism. Narcissism might be seen as a pathological expression of self preservation. “Self-preservation is normal and healthy, but narcissism is detrimental to the species. The difference between them shows in our interaction with others.” http://refulgentcoleman.blogspot.com/2013/10/self-preservation-vs-narcissism-three.html
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) identifies 9 criteria that might be called “self-involvement indicators”, and proposes a diagnosis of pathological narcissism when 5 of the 9 are present in an individual. It is also important to note theory is continually evolving as our understanding grows, and apparently DSM-6, when it is published, will contain alterations. One medical sociologist has this to say:
When I first started in the world of conventional mental health the DSM 3 was being used. It was a helpful manual at the time. However, what the lay person needs to understand is that these illnesses are created by symptoms that overlap with various diagnoses. That many people are improperly diagnosed therefore receive the wrong treatment causing more problems in the form of medication side effects with treatment that has zero to do with the cause of the problem .There are no tests to check for mental illness except for brain scans that show schizophrenia. Dr. Daniel Amen believes his brain scans help to diagnose mental illness among other things, some of his peers disagree.
Instead of using destructive labels how about we deal with the negative events and/or physiological issues like psychosis due to a lack of vitamin B12 in the case of one vegetarian I read about yesterday. Or how about hormonal imbalance or leaky gut? https://www.quora.com/When-is-the-DSM-6-likely-to-be-released-What-important-revisions-will-it-contain/answer/Suzanne-Kellner-Zinck
Personally I support the view that many pathological mental disorders are exacerbated or caused completely by biochemical imbalances addressed more efficiently in many cases with better nutrition and a discontinuation of medications foreign to the body.
Pathological narcissism is thought to be caused by exogenously induced trauma into the very young developing ego, which creates the neurotic condition of “over-defensiveness”, which then begins to manifest as compromised interaction with others, and self-destructive behaviors.
The Mayo Clinic web page on narcissistic personality disorder lists symptoms and behavioral manifestations:
Signs and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and the severity of symptoms vary. People with the disorder can:
- Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance
- Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration
- Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
- Exaggerate achievements and talents
- Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
- Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people
- Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior
- Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations
- Take advantage of others to get what they want
- Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
- Be envious of others and believe others envy them
- Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious
- Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office
At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they perceive as criticism, and they can:
- Become impatient or angry when they don't receive special treatment
- Have significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted
- React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior
- Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior
- Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change
- Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection
- Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation
“Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder centers around talk therapy (psychotherapy).”
General awareness of this disorder appears to be on the rise. If you do a web search on narcissistic personality disorder you can quickly find videos by clinical psychologists speaking about symptoms and manifestations in more general terms. Perhaps the most significant of these are lack of empathy as the basic condition, and emotional volatility as the basic manifestation.
In my own experience emotional problems can be largely overcome with a combination of talk therapy (which I view as basically a course of self-education), good nutrition, and physical activity. The three of these concurrently might be said to be “the holy trinity” of healing for these modern times where “emotional intelligence” is not taught in schools (and many families are dysfunctional), the general state of nutrition is abysmal, and many of us do not “move our bodies” sufficiently for good health.
On another level it might be said we can come to greater awareness of the potential for negative impact (to our health) caused by our survival instincts formed in prehistoric “wild conditions” while living our lives in “civilized conditions”. An excellent book “The Pleasure Trap: Mastering the Hidden Force that Undermines Health & Happiness” co-authored by psychologist Doug Lisle and nutritionist Alan Goldhamer cover this topic succinctly: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=the+pleasure+trap&crid=36AKDBKSMNEPX&sprefix=the+pleasure+%2Caps%2C194&ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_13
In brief the “motivational triad” is 1) seek pleasure 2) avoid pain 3) conserve energy, a good prescription for success in a nomadic hunter gatherer world where calories are scarce, predators are everywhere, and abundant energy is necessary for survival. None of those conditions exist in “civilized world”, in fact it is quite the opposite: calories (pleasure) that are nutritionally deficient while being “too delicious” to resist are everywhere, predators are banished, and we sit and look at “screens” for hours at a stretch.
Is it any wonder in our time we see exponential progression of so-called “degenerative diseases”, and increasing levels of narcissism?
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